Stark reality: It's a new Season

It's often been said that the Mamba Invitational could be a reality show. It has all the fixins to make for great high calorie, low nutrition tv: petty beefs, irrational competitiveness, unreal ineptitude, and twists at every turn. With that in mind, here is our pre-season overview with a nod to which reality show each franchise most closely identifies with.

Nate: Dancing with the Stars

• Pick: 1

• Opening Odds: +2500

Dropping into the draft looking vaguely familiar to everyone before it hits them that, "Oh, yeah! That's Nate. He won it all a couple years ago." It's similar to the reaction that DWTS viewers have during the season premier: "Hey, that's that guy from Stranger Things! I didn't know he could dance!" As a former champ with the top pick, Nate's focused on getting Bruno hot under the collar while ensuring he does enough to keep Carrie Ann Inaba and that old British dude from sending him home early.

Brady & Tate: Laguna Beach: The Real OC

• PickS: 2 & 11

• Opening Odds: +2500 & +5000

For the first time in league history we have two franchises under the same roof. Fittingly, it is happening in Southern California where the Lakers and Clippers are used to splitting the bills on lodging. While there were several candidates to draw from—The Real Apartment Brothers of Orange County, Million Dollar Listing (The Altman Brothers!), The Hills—we are taking it back to the original high school angst reality vehicle. Laguna Beach: The Real OC launched the careers of Kristin Cavallari and that LC girl. Throughout the show the two bounced back and forth between pals and enemies. Can LA Brady and Lil Lil Unc manage the unique challenge of operating under the same roof? Or will the SoCal drama be too much and derail them both. OMG. Like, wow. This is gonna be amazeballs to watch.

Jared: Dance Moms

• Pick: 3

• Opening Odds: +1500

There is not a Dance Dudes—Magic Mike was not a reality show—so Dance Moms it is. With a couple young dancers in the house, Jared is no stranger to the drama. And he's not afraid to bring it into the chat. When he went full Abby Lee on Powers it immediately became Mamba Invitational legend. This season he's looking to shake the reputation of only being able to win the local competitions. He's got Abby's talent to pick 'em—and at No. 3 he's going to end up with a Sophie or Chloe for sure. The big question remains, however, can he put them all in the right places and avoid the parental pettiness required to win the ultimate dance off?

Pohlad: John & Kate + 8

• Pick: 4

• Opening Odds: +7500

A crazy off-season has landed Action P in wedded bliss on draft day. Now married to a school teacher who by all means sounded like she was ready to start having kids, Pohlad may find him self stretched 8 ways to Sunday this season. The question is, does he handle juggling new responsibilities like Jon Gosselin by wandering through life like a beaten man, or does he grab the fkn reigns like Kate and run shit like an over-caffeinated drill sergeant? Only time will tell. But it doesn't hurt that he will have his choice of a superstar at 4. Let's just hope his first isn't as forgettable as the Gosselin's proved to be once the how-many-ever-tuplets arrived.

Trent: Pawn Stars

• Pick: 5

• Opening Odds: +1500

This dude can turn a profit on a toothpick found in the back of a Willie Nelson bus in the mid-1970s. One of his strong suits is leaning on the experts when trying to determine whether the offer he has received is shit or Shinola (apologies to readers for the old man reference). But things are different around the shop nowadays. Much the way Rick developed interests outside of the shop, Trent is a new hubs. Can he keep tabs on his team, or are Corey and Chumley gonna go on a meth-fueled rampage that sets the franchise back a decade? Odds are it's gonna be a wild ride that we don't get clarity on until after the final commercial break.

DeAndre: Ice Road Truckers

• Pick: 6

• Opening Odds: +5000

Over the past few years, this long haul(ish) trucker has cruised in the opening weeks of the season. As the corn comes out and the fields get plowed under, DeAndre's got one arm out the window, punishing teams who are slow out of the gate. The problems have arisen as the roads have gotten icy and the season heats up. In past years he hasn't been willing to shift his cargo around in search of a better load. Will he have a big enough payload to get him through the winter on draft night? Or is he going to have to call for the boom truck to pull him out of the ditch after a mid-season swoon?

Kees: Big Brother

• Pick: 7

• Opening Odds: +1000

There is Big Brother-level scheming and then there is Kees. Now, Kees will say he doesn't scheme, but if we had a confessional booth he'd definitely be in there droppin' dimes on how he ends up in the playoffs every single season. A multi-time champ, he drafts the same old dudes every year and somehow trades them up to assemble a roster that is unstoppable against (almost) anyone in the league come playoff time. Using a mix of charm and a relentless commitment to using the phone, he often benefits from the apathy of those already outta the race. After losing in the final last year, will he be welcomed back into the house as a member of the gang? Or will he still get sideways glances with every move he makes? Can't be sure, but he will certainly call you to discuss it.

Baley: Project Runway

• Pick: 8

• Opening Odds: +1500

If there is one owner who knows how to put together a beautiful roster, it is Baley. Taking a little inspiration from here and a little spice from there, he will run out a squad that is gonna do numbers in the regular season. This issues begin to pop up during sweeps month. When the bright lights shine and the audiences swell, well, Baley sometimes sees the quality of his stable of beauties slip. Will he be able to hold it together with a nip-and-tuck this year? Or is his 2025-26 line gonna go up in smoke? He'd do well to heed Tim Gunn's mantra and "Make it work!"

Powers: Ghost Adventures

• Pick: 9

• Opening Odds: +4500

It kills to see odds set so generously for a franchise with a storied history, but it feels like we've had to get the flashlights out in search of the Powers with supernatural, well, POWERS from years past. Are we going to need to break out the spectrometers and specialized recording equipment to try to gather proof that something is out there, or is Powers gonna come out swinging like Pokemon ghost/fighter Theorymon? He is definitely a sleeper pick to be a factor at these odds with a solid draft position. Let's just hope he's not a disappearing act again.

Obie: Storage Wars

• Pick: 10

• Opening Odds: +4000

While Trent can't wait to get rid of his treasures, Obie is holding on to his. From the moment they get a "Yuuuuuupppp!" and are pulled from the draft board, they are getting locked away in the 10 x 10 until the season is past due and Dan Dotson pops the lock and auctions the contents off. To be fair, this strategy has worked in the past (although we will not get into the SuitGate season) but in a league full of Rain Men it is tough to make as the only Charlie Babbitt. Look it up. I can't do everything.

Slate: Is It Cake?

• Pick: 12

• Opening Odds: +5000

I mean, Markees says Slate is real. And someone drafts his team each year. And the league fees always get paid. But there is a sneaking suspicion that Slate is not real and he's an illusion that Kees has baked up. Very few trades. Lack of participation in the chat. Never been to the draft in person. Not sure we'll ever know, but we will be breaking out the cake knife just to be sure if/when he attends a league outing.

Unc: Alaskan Bush People

• Pick: 13

• Opening Odds: +4000

Everything is gold up north. Much like the show's patriarch (RIP Bill Brown - you were a real one), Unc somehow parlays a charming wife and a gaggle of hideous mutants—Bill's kids/Unc's roster—into a productive bunch. After winning it all last year, it could be a lean year in Brown Town. Will Unc relish in the glow of last season's triumph and turn to other priorities like (metaphorically) getting Bird's front teeth repaired or figuring out what tf Bear is doing up in those trees? Or will he be able to slay the black bear again? We will all have to tune in to see.

Lucas: Survivor

• Pick: 1

• Opening Odds: +2000

Ask Lucas about the 2024-25 season. Seriously. Do it. He wasn't voted off the island in the first episode, but he probably wished he had been. After a flurry of injuries early on his investment quickly went up in smoke. But instead of going full Wendy DeSmidt-Kohlhoff (again, you have google, look it up yourself), he showed up for every immunity challenge, cast his vote every week, traded injured assets for win-right-now guys, and made the best of it. He comes into 2025-26 as an unlikely favorite. Picking from spot 14 isn't the easiest but he's shown over time that he can make his way in harsh environs.